Air seemed heavy last night, as if soaked in past and present. I stood suspended in my dreams, barely able to breathe inside that thick cloud made of pain and anger. Clumsy and slow, my movements only disoriented me. I couldn't see, there was light all around me, and shadows of so many memories. But my eyes stayed shut, refusing to let time and history fill me again with that hate that will thicken my blood and sedate me with regret. All I could feel was my face, damp with fear and frustration, and the weight on my chest as I inhaled that air, so dense, so confining.
I can’t let go, but there’s nothing to hang on to. My body’s memory betrays me once more and I feel that softness and that warmth again. I feel confined but safe. Intoxicated with your smell, I am suspended in time forever. Willingly lost, I travel the length of your body one last time. My fingertips against your skin make their way from your backside to your lips, all the while feeling your body expand slowly with every breath. Then it’s as if I can feel your soul, warm and inviting, as you breathe me in.
The world turns red, my body convulses, rejecting my desire to dwell inside a life that was. My eyes open, ripping off the layers of denial that made me blind. Cold and cleansing tears, laced with disbelief and resignation, flow and disappear as my face absorbs their memories. The world is born again, light shines on my face and as my hands slip out of that desert made of blankets and pillows, they still long to find your body on their way out.
In the meantime I imagine you swimming in a world of fleeting satisfaction, hurting while I’m mending, out of reach and out of context. If you could feel what I did, you’d never need to swallow another piece of your life away. But now I have to rip my soul in pieces and wait for the time when the air is light, and I can float away from those memories that eat my time, everyday.
Excellent... I really enjoy your writing!
Posted by: Beckster | 03/26/2004 at 01:52 PM