Dysfunction

Sometimes, I just can't stop crying

Found

[backdated to September 10, 2010]

Armed with verbs and nouns I set off to the land of explication with the hopes of finding, through paths of dissection, a way to find you. And when i felt that I couldn't possibly be expressing myself in a way that anyone, myself included, could successfully parse into a message that resembled my intention, once again you spoke with meaning wrapped around words that diluted that thick fog, revealing just how close you were to me. And here I am, disarmed and naked facing my future, hoping you will end up an integral part of my life. 

Forward

Unrecognized, singular and determined, I blaze a distinct path.

Divergence

I couldn't live with my words diluted by the things I have done. With as much rectitude as cowardice, I left you to a world wide open and ready for you to amaze it.

In a hearbeat.

Through a space devoid of light, through a silence thick as fog

and a chasm that in memories and years expands as far 

as the distance between these words and each breath you draw tonight, 

I reach you. 

Without words to use as constructs for the rush and force of instinct

that the blood inside me tries to pump out of my conscious mind,

I send you a simple message, without form and without structure,

that I know will get there faster than even the speed of light. 

For it is my sheer conviction

in that pure reflexive property of love that I believe in, that makes me not hope but *know* 

that this wordless, formless message reaches you before it leaves me every instant I exist. 

And no matter how I try to sit here feeling like an ape, 

trying to explain the process by which we communicate, 

only you and I know the level of approximation I can reach with prose and wit, 

and how though a valiant effort, 

it’s not even in close quarters to the truth that springs forthwith. 

From your mind to mine and sparked from my skin to yours,

a reality is born unlike the harsh crude surface of a world in flames, 

a construct built on the better pieces of myself, 

resonating within you in a beautiful symphony that could drown the noise of doubt 

and end the disquiet in my soul I once thought to be inherent.

Such is the lesson I’ve learned from looking at the surface of your calm blue sea.

What we need more of is science...

... and calculations.
We must have more graphs, charts, numbers.
We have to make sense of those trends.
Indicators, percentiles, and rates.
We gotta beat those estimates.
More probabilities, demand curves, satisfaction poll averages.
We must maximize our reach.
Deliver predictions, and careful analysis.
We will watch our spread as we diversify.
We shall maximize the rate of growth of our growth rate.
And thank the lowest common denominator.

The writer and the general

'Just start writing' - I tell myself as my left leg bounces up and down, again and again. But I find it so hard lately to finish a sentence or put down a period before my index finger indulges in its love affair with that dreaded delete key.

People keep shuffling in and out this place, carrying their hot mochas, chai lattes, books and things. Glancing over as they pass by, they try making a connection that will give them a bit more mileage than the paperback they bought in the middle of the week.

This flow trickles down to nothing as I'm left with nobody in the neighboring tables. Finally I relax now that there are no wandering eyes to judge these pixels on my screen. Like old soldiers all that's left here are some old men jotting down thoughts on old notebooks, reading papers, or just looking at the street.

And these people come alive as I watch their very movement. That old man with the long white hair and the leather bound journal is writing the amazing story of a General of noble countenance and wit, who singlehandedly stopped the misdeeds of a terrible and corrupt leader deep within the lost territories of a nation in the south of the continent, only to die alone after years of sacrificing the love he fell for others for the love of country, glory and justice. I cant stop watching this kin of Borges write this incredible story, looking as if possessed by history and time. His brow furrows, signifying the end of the epic ninth chapter, the only moment of Glory in a life full of pain. I can see him sweat a little, and a wry smile escape his otherwise monumental gaze.

My inquiry ends when his eyes meet mine for a split second, his smile gone and replaced with the kind of grave expression usually reserved for men in history books. And I'm thrown back to this barren land of keys with symbols patiently waiting for someone to breathe meaning into them. And I sit here, my foot still conducting some silent orchestra, looking at those keys and thinking if maybe I am just as desperate for those keys to breathe meaning into me.

The Revisionist

The outside is calm and quiet, and he can almost hear faint notes of a
melody sinking into the dark, into his heart, out in the cold but only
in his mind. His arms reach out like the years into the past with its
glories and its tears. His mouth moves but the words stay inside,
swirling around and around just like time  seems to do. And in this
moebius strip of recycled plotlines he looks for the bits to rearrange
into a history of his own. With the details lost forever in the
patchwork of a memory sometimes too eager to forget, he collects, shapes
and forms all these things he's never seen, but he vaguely remembers. In
the end he stands complete, in this void and senseless chasm that stands
somewhere between what we are and what we feel.

Key

Fourteen holes in random patterns let me inside your world. I was left with a picture, in a cold night, and the sense that something in the world had changed. Two years later, and I still walk outside most nights and take a moment to remember that we live for moments like that, and to transcend them like we have...

As I held it in my hand, I looked down and saw...

1. Insert Card
2. Remove Card
3. Open Door

Who would’ve thought it could be that easy.

I remember

That touch of velvet on my skin.
The quiet sound of your breath.
The struggle not to smile.
The silent recognition.
Our fingers, interlaced.
My stare lost in yours.
Craving the taste of your sweat.
The urgency to get you close by pushing you away.
Knowing I was part of you.